144. Twice Upon a Time

Previous: 143. The Doctor Falls

[indignantly, during the titles]

“Where’s Whittaker?”

Tell me the story in your own words…

“There’s the first Doctor, who I’ve never actually seen before. Bit of a spoiler for myself.”

[Applauds]

“I can tell it’s Filch!”

“He ends up in this white snowy land, and he sees Capaldi because he sees another figure.”

“What happens if he sees hisself?”

“I think he shouts “Why are you in my TARDIS”?”

“You’re the same person mate!”

“But then they start talking about how they’re both the Doctor. And then Mark Gatiss comes in and says “Are any of you a Doctor?””

“Is that really Mark Gatiss?”

“Peter Capaldi’s like “You’ve got to be kidding me.””

“If time stopped, could you stick someone’s finger up their nose?”

“Then they go to this sort of temple in the TARDIS and this voice says “Trade the captain’s life and you will see her again.””

“Testimoninininy? Maybe you’ll get to see all the Doctors in one.”

“It’s the first Doctor who’s outside the TARDIS and he’s like “Who’s she?”
But she steps out and it’s Bill. Peter Capaldi steps outside and he sees her and they go into this big hug…”

“It’s Eccleston and Tyler all over again.”

“… but then Capaldi doesn’t believe that’s Bill’s really Bill. They go to the centre of the universe and they see this Dalek that actually hates Daleks.”

“That’s where the time war began isn’t it?”

“He is *no way* a Dalek.”

“So they’re looking and Bill, she’s with the first Doctor, Hartnell. And the Doctor’s gone off exploring and then when the Doctor comes back he has a chat with Bill and Bill swears!”

“I can’t believe she swore. I wouldn’t say that word, cos I know that’s the bad one.”

“And then Bill’s told to come inside and she gets told off. It was very funny. Cos he was like, “I don’t want any more language like that from you Missy.””

“Wow.”

“She’s told to come inside and look after the captain…”

“Go and find him another bit of brandy then!”

[waits]

“Boo ya! I knew they were going to bring more brandy.”

“…whilst the first Doctor goes off with Peter Capaldi, and they’re taking to this Dalek about how he’s gonna die. But he doesn’t actually die. Just goes into a flop and changes his face. And his gender in this one. They end up going back to the battlefield of World War One, and Mark Gatiss is going back into his position that he was in before. And he doesn’t end up doing it because the people from the other side that Mark Gatiss is trying to shoot, they start singing ‘Silent Night’, and the English side start singing ‘Silent Night’.”

“Mark Gatiss just stands up and shouts ‘Wounded man!’, cos they’re all singing and playing, and someone gets their coat and turns it into a football, and they all start playing. The first Doctor goes back into his TARDIS and then falls to the floor and it goes into this weird 1966 thing.”

“He’s a rebel. Technically I saw a video that says that the TARDIS stole him.”

“Then Capaldi, still on the battlefield, sees Clara and she calls him “Stupid old man”, and Bill comes back and Nardole, and [sniggers] they talk about Nardole having invisible hair!”

“And then they both go and Capaldi goes into the TARDIS, and has a chat with it, maybe he chats to himself…”

“He’s just going kookoo. Do you think he’s drunk?”

“… and he’s sort of limping, but he falls on the floor and stands back up and goes into a regeneration flop.”

“Her eyes aren’t the same cold blue.”

“They’re Hazel brown.”

“And when he’s Whittaker, she presses a button and she falls out of the TARDIS.”

“That’s some scenery wrecking! They’re gonna change the TARDIS. Look at it!”

“The last bit we see is her just like grasping into the TARDIS which had just disappeared into the night.”

Her score: 9/10

“I hope there’s a unicorn in the Whittaker series.”

Next: 145. The Woman Who fell to Earth